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That Time I Went Through Nine Bags Of Morphine

Blog, Writing

“That Time I…” posts are true stories that am I retiring from my social repertoire. To honour them, I am committing them to text for the first time. Read stories about sound torture, abortion, my awesome tattoo, and the infamous Tragic Hand Button.

I awoke at one o’clock in the morning with a sharp and intense pain in my abdomen. Guessing that I had food poisoning, I sat on the toilet for a while expecting something to come out of either end. Nothing did. But I had dealt with this kind of thing before and, in my experience, it operates on its own schedule. I went back to bed to wait for instructions from my body.

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Irrelevant Show Sketches

Audio, Comedy, Writing

The Irrelevant Show is a sketch comedy show that airs on CBC Radio One’s national airwaves. The show returns for a fifth season,performing and recording in front of live audiences across Canada.

I am a contributing writer on the 2016 season. New episodes began airing in January and there is already a sketch of mine that you can listen to, A Future Review of Jurassic Park.

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That Time I Was Sound Tortured By An Angry Neighbor

Blog, Writing

“That Time I…” posts are true stories that am I retiring from my social repertoire. To honour them, I am committing them to text for the first time. Read stories about abortion, my awesome tattoo, and the infamous Tragic Hand Button.

The first time I noticed the song was playing, I didn’t hear it, I felt it. My bedroom floor began to rumble so I took off my headphones to determine the cause. I didn’t recognize the song blasting from the apartment below me – some aggressively bassy, chugging black metal – so I shrugged and put my headphones back on. I wasn’t phased. After all, it was the middle of the day and my downstairs neighbor hadn’t made a peep since I moved in. He was entitled to some noise-making. An hour later, as I left my room, his music was still going. I thought to myself, ‘Man, this music sucks. It all sounds the same.’

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That Time I Defended Abortion At A Wedding

Blog, Writing

“That Time I…” posts are true stories that am I retiring from my social repertoire. To honour them, I am committing them to text for the first time. Read stories about sound torturemy awesome tattoo, and the infamous Tragic Hand Button.

As I drove down a forested back road, I kept an eye out for moose lurking near the treeline. John promised that he was not exaggerating. He said that a moose is a mountain on legs and there were many of them in northern New Brunswick. If my car collided with one, the mountain would crush me to death and then get up and walk away. So yes, I was being diligent but the local wildlife was not the concern foremost on my mind. I was really worried about meeting John’s mother.

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That Time I Got A Tattoo Of A Freckle

Blog, Writing

“That Time I…” posts are true stories that am I retiring from my social repertoire. To honour them, I am committing them to text for the first time. Read stories about sound torture, abortion, and the infamous Tragic Hand Button.

My friend Matt quietly sipped his coffee while I talked about my character-building adventures in Europe. I told him about walking through St. Peter’s just after the death of John Paul. I told him about the Lutheran Bible I bought in Berlin and the perpetual bookfair  that takes place on the site where Nazis burned them. I also told him about an idea I had, but didn’t follow though on, to have a freckle tattooed on my arm. His response to all of that was, “Let’s do it right now. My friend works in a tattoo parlour on Yonge Street.”

Tragic hand button

That Time I Got Fired From My Usher Job

Blog, Writing

“That Time I…” posts are true stories that am I retiring from my social repertoire. To honour them, I am committing them to text for the first time. Read stories about sound torture, abortion, and my awesome tattoo.

I graduated university with a degree in Theatre. When I considered, after the fact, what this qualified me to do, I didn’t think about moving to Los Angeles or writing the great Canadian screenplay. I thought that maybe – just maybe – this qualified me to be an usher.

Working against me was the fact that I had not taken a single course called Intro To Never Saying Anything Offensive or Being Nice To Old People, 1990 – Present. However, I would absolutely be able to deliver if a patron needed clarification on the proper definition of dramatic irony (the boring kind of irony). A posh downtown theatre agreed and gave me the job.

Zoomer Media

New Job: Online Editor at Zoomer Media

Blog, Social Media, Writing

I have started a new job. As of June 2nd, I am an online editor at Zoomer Media. My responsibilities will include updating and publishing digital content for the company’s four television stations and social media platforms. I will be researching and writing original articles, reviews and synopses to complement the stations’ programming. I am also looking forward to getting involved in ideacity, the annual ideas conference that attracts thinkers, writers, and scientists from all over the world.