Eulogy For An Actor


July 28, 2010

Welcome to the funeral of Tony Zukov. Tony will be remembered as a good friend and a brilliant actor of stage and screen. As a matter of fact, Tony was such a devoted actor, I’m not confident that I have actually seen him since 2003. I thought I saw him dressed as a homeless person last summer but he didn’t respond when I called. Can anyone else say that they have seen Tony recently, I mean for sure? No? Anyway.

No one was more devoted to acting. I remember he got the part of the Vampire Lestat in a Broadway production and he wore that big cape everywhere he went for a month. Unfortunately, he fell on hard times when the show closed early. He was forced to take the part of Man 3 in that year’s 23rd highest grossing movie, The Italian Job. That was the last time I saw him. He’s been Man 3 ever since: always in the background, never identifiable. And he hasn’t spoken to friends or family because Man 3 doesn’t have any lines.

But let’s not let that be our last memory of Tony. I remember I attended a party at George Clooney’s house last year. George was pranking Brad Pitt by pretending he was dating Pitt’s ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston. George even convinced Jennifer to show up and play his girlfriend. Brad was so angry. It was so funny. Anyway, I’m pretty sure Tony was one of the wait staff. I really think that was him. I can’t guarantee that though.

So let’s raise a glass to Tony. He was a good friend. We’ll always remember you.

Holy shit, is that him in the coffin? I really don’t think that’s him. This guy? No way. This looks like an emaciated Don Rickles. I mean, yeah, I haven’t seen him in ten years but I don’t believe for a second that that is him. Does anyone know what Tony looks like. Nobody? So this may or may not be him? Great.