“That Time I…” posts are true stories that am I retiring from my social repertoire. To honour them, I am committing them to text for the first time. Read stories about sound torture, abortion, and my awesome tattoo.
I graduated university with a degree in Theatre. When I considered, after the fact, what this qualified me to do, I didn’t think about moving to Los Angeles or writing the great Canadian screenplay. I thought that maybe – just maybe – this qualified me to be an usher.
Working against me was the fact that I had not taken a single course called Intro To Never Saying Anything Offensive or Being Nice To Old People, 1990 – Present. However, I would absolutely be able to deliver if a patron needed clarification on the proper definition of dramatic irony (the boring kind of irony). A posh downtown theatre agreed and gave me the job.
“Thanks Brent. I am Andrew Mandel and I’m standing at the beautiful Glencairn Park which has recently had a beautiful makeover. It has new playground equipment, an absorbing rubber floor, and trees. But it also has this large boulder.
The city says this boulder is part decoration part ‘environmental play equipment’ but we at Channel 4 think this is actually former Fantastic 4 member The Thing curled up into a ball. We’re all aware of the sudden passing of Mr. Fantastic from abdominal cancer last week. Rumour has it that The Thing is in a precarious financial situation while dealing with some challenging medical issues of his own. We’re talking blod clots, arthritis, and kidney stones like you wouldn’t believe. You can buy those on Ebay now.
I’m going to interview the boulder and see what we can get. Excuse me, are you a boulder or are you in fact Ben Grimm AKA The Thing? Nothing, huh? Is this your part time job? Nothing yet, Brent. What has the passing of Mr. Fantastic meant to you? Uh huh. Oh really. Fascinating. No, nothing Brent. I thought maybe I could get this going by acting like he was talking but no.
So the science is still out. Is this thing a rock or is this thing The Thing? Time will tell. From Glencairn Park, I’m Andrew Madel. Cut. Good job boys. Let’s get out of here.”
When they were gone, a flaming Johnny Storm landed next to the boulder. “When are you free for lunch?” he asked.
“Twelve thirty,” said the boulder.